Playing the field, the YES and NOs

Dating. One night stands. Love. Life.

I have done it all. Committed long lasting relationships. Dating casually. Flirted. One night stands. Friends with Benefits. Leading guy(s) on. Dated 5 guys at once. Used a few (yes, I feel guilty looking back). I can help you on your significant other journey, no matter your goal.

The Rules.

1.) First and foremost, figure out what you are wanting. If you want a relationship, make that clear. If you just want to have some fun, don't act like you want more.

2.) Girls, quit blaming guys for being the players and heart breakers. Don't even try to act innocent. We all do it. We all have that one person we used because he had a car when you didn't. He bought you food when you were hungry. He paid for you to see that movie you were dying to see. He brought you flowers. But you had no interest him. But you wanted the bonuses you got with him. We all do it. Admit it and move on.

3.) Been hurt and broken over and over? Just got cheated on after a long ass relationship? Find your payback but not with the person who did it to you. If you do that, you'll first start off saying 'oh man I am so gonna make them pay for it' and believe you will only be winning them back to shit on their heart, but in the end, you will fall for the charm that got you with them in the first place and......be right back at square one. Unless you are a rare, strange breed, you will end up back in love. So I suggest you find someone, maybe a friend of a friend, maybe a guy who hinted he liked you but you brushed it off because you knew he was a serious d-bag. Find this d-bag, find the player, find that guy that thinks he is the shit and God's gift to women. Now the fun begins. Play him. Do what he does to all the girls. But of course, be discreet about it. Act like you are head over hills with him, but text two other guys while you watch that movie beside him. Let him beg you to come over every night after work, but be sure you see your other guys on the side, too. Let him feel like he is number one, let him think you are oblivious to his d-bag ways like all the other girls usually are with him, and then you throw him out like he does the bitches before you. Do it BEFORE he does it to you. You have to do a turn around on him. You have to damage that ego. He will wonder WTF is wrong with him now. Where he messed up. Prove how unimportant he really has been to you and how you actually love Billy from down the road and just liked hanging out for the 'insert something stupid like the way he fixes his tea here'. This will make you feel good. This will make you feel powerful. Like you can do anything. And you will feel awesome knowing you just did what a lot of girls that he previously played have dreamed about.

4.) One night stands. There is a code to these things. You need to go and do the deed and move on. They say only women get attached and want more from these things. But in my experience, we aren't the only ones. The best one night stands are the ones where you are not even friends. You met online, you met at a party, you met at the bar. You have no mutual friends. Want the even better experience? Make sure you use a fake name. If the other person ends up wanting more or to find you again, they'll start asking around for a Mary even though your name is Shelly. It works if you really don't want anything more than a drunken night of fun. And yes, that's my way of saying be tipsy. Do it. Get it out of your system, girl. I am not here to judge you.

5.) Friends with Benefits. Let me state this now. These hardly EVER have good endings unless you end up dating each other out of it. Whether you knew each other before, have made a pact, are ex's knowing each others quirks, or just met. This will end badly. You can sign a contract saying no feelings need to be involved and I promise when this ends, no matter if it's because one of you gets in a relationship, one of you moves, or you just part ways, one of you will be left there in the dust, and it'll be a sex break up. It'll suck. And they will return to flying solo for a while. So proceed in these with caution. Extreme caution.

Note: It's REALLY REALLY REALLY not advised to do the whole 'FWB' thing with an ex. I get that you two know what you like and all that junk, but please, don't torture yourself with it. You will go through a second break up pretty much when it ends. Because it will. They're your ex for a reason in the first place, right?

6.) Using online dating sites as your hook up sites is really stupid. Looking at you, boys. I met my boyfriend that I have been with for a while now on a dating site, the same dating site my roommate found her husband and a few other people found their significant others. I had heard good things about it and figured, what the hell. My main annoying problem I had with the boys on the dating sites would have to be the d-bags who were looking for ass. There are sites that are STRICTLY for that. Go to them. Or just use Facebook. Go to a bar. I don't care. But quit putting 'seeking a relationship' when you clearly aren't. And for you people on dating sites even though you are in a committed relationship/marriage, there's a special place in hell for you. Hope your significant other finds out and does you dirty in return.

7.) Stop adding every person of the opposite sex on social media after a break up. We see you. We know what you're doing. Just stop.

8.) Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. If you have a person you love, keep them. And understand how they act. Boys are gonna check girls out. They are going to look at ass and boobs. They are going to watch porn. They are going to rate other chicks. Accept it. The more you complain, hate on it, etc. the more they'll hide from you. They aren't stopping, they just will learn to keep it from you better.

9.) Getting engaged before you finish college/after 2 months/because you're preggo. Well, let's just say love doesn't last. And it takes time before you really know someone. And you should be with someone in real life situations before saying 'I do'. You need to know that the slurping they do with their coffee at 6 am drives you insane, they suck at saving money, you can't rely on them to do the dishes before a science project starts growing on them, and you can't handle their aftermath in the bathroom. These are things that, as small as they seem, you will scream and fight about. If they can't handle money and bills, you probably won't last. You have to know you two can talk it out, and know how to work the problems out. By living in separate dorms, 30 minutes away, seeing each other once a week, only knowing each other 6 months, and being pregnant does not indicate love. It just means you should figure out what's going on and maybe have a long engagement, but just take your time.

10.) Last but not least, quit lying. Quit being things you aren't. Stop having your standards higher than they should be, stop judging books by their covers and get good at selling yourself if you are out there dating. Get to know yourself first, know who you are inside and out before you even start flirting. If you need to, spend alone time first. If you can't be by yourself and stand it, what makes you think someone else can?

Best Friends.....Don't Exist

OMG MY BFF!

Quit lying to yourself. The stories of girls being best friends for 18 years, being conjoined at the hip, doing everything together...honestly, makes me want to barf. I don't rely on anyone. I don't want to. I don't need to. I know, I know, I am the odd one and you probably aren't. But from my experience, most people aren't going to be there for you, do things for you, and be a true friend without you doing something for them. You go out of your way again and again and again and ask for nothing in return. They move, you help without anything in return. They call you sick asking for you to bring soup. You do it. It's their birthday, you make the plans and buy the gifts, even make the cake. But when it's you moving, it's you who is sick or hurt, or it's you having the birthday, where are all the friends then? In my experience, they vanish. They can't help. Or they want something from you in return. 

Welcome to 2013.

My most recent BFF relationship was the most true one I have ever had and it still feels like a freakin break up. When I see her post pictures and junk on social media, I want to throw the laptop or phone across the room, scream, eat ice cream, and cry into my rabbit's soft fur until I sleep. Of course, I don't do any of these things but it still sucks. 

We met working at a retail store selling sunglasses.

                                                                                                             Sooooo exciting I know.

She was the assistant manager and pretty much running the show. The manager of the store was a nut, I mean, he was the highlight of most work days for me in the beginning. He was a school PE coach that had been laid off. He was always telling stories and saying this that would either make you go WTF or laugh your ass off. He wasn't much of a manager per say, he would go to the store or bank and never return for the rest of the day, or would goof off on Youtube instead of checking inventory. He was a cool guy, but running the store he didn't really do. So Sarah (no, not her real name) did. She did inventory checks, ordered new things as needed, cleaned the store, and did most of his duties. She was a year younger than me and shorter. I don't run into many people that are shorter than me, so when I do, I like hanging out with them to feel tall once in a while. (judge me). 

This was our boss. I wasn't kidding about him....

So Sarah was the one who started training me. She was a pretty awesome girl. She was shy and loved sun dresses. Her hair was short and usually put back. She was hard core vegetarian and would give you weird looks often. At first, I was like 'oh great, another bitch that doesn't like me before I even speak'. She realized I was a fast learner and not too bad at the job. She and I started working more and more together and finally, I broke her. She started laughing at the stupid brutal shit I would say and warmed up to my odd ways. She introduced me to trance music (especially Skrillex) and I introduced her to the life of not giving a f***. 

This was a fun time of my life. I was living with a roommate near my college, I was super single and totally playing guys left and right. I was actually being social and doing things I really shouldn't. Before this time, I was always acting like an adult, working a desk job, living with a boyfriend worrying about bills and acting like a married 40 year old. Now, I was playing the field, drinking, and hanging with different people every night. It was fun.

So Sarah and I started texting more and then we even started going out together. Especially when our gay friend started working at the store too. He was just the right person we needed to add to our adventures. I will simply call him Jwow because well, it suits him wonderfully. He's a crazy, wonderfully dressed and very, very open and honest person. He meets no stranger. When Jwow first started, he immediately started with stories about sex with his boyfriend and their problems. I have no issues with talking about pretty much anything. Nothing embarrasses me. Sarah on the other hand hates burping, farting, sex talk, or anything else that might make you blush. But she stuck around and dealt with our sex talks in the end.

Jwow was/is a singer. I mean blasting Adele on the work computer and belting it out. This boy should get a record deal. No joke. He can hit high notes I didn't know boys (gay or not) could hit. We would go downtown and meet Jwow and his boyfriend (who was the straightest gay guy I have ever seen in my life) to see him sing at certain bars. He would be offered free drinks all night if he would sing on certain nights. These were super fun times since Sarah was underage, I had a fake ID and Jwow just knew everyone. He would get Sarah in, and I would buy a drink which we would attempt to share. I say attempt because this girl didn't play with her alcohol. She was mainly a wine girl, but when we would be sharing out in the bars, I would turn for a second and she would suck every drop out of that cup. Then she would get a little wobbly and even attempt to smoke cigarettes and talk to random strangers. It was always a fun time. 

When Sarah and I met, I knew she was planning on moving and going to school close to the coast, a good 5 hours away. I knew this and it still surprised and upset me when the day came for her to leave. I got a bunch of snacks and drinks and we met at the sunglass store the night before she was leaving. We had a small going away thing and I was the most upset. She had become that friend I had always wanted. That friend that I heard other girls talking about having. I thought 'wow, I actually found it. This is it. We can be friends forever. She'll be my Maid of Honor when I marry. She'll be my kid's God mother'. 

Annnddddd.....that came crashing down.

For the first 6 months after she moved, we were still great. Talked often, I came to see her not even 2 or 3 months after she had moved. She was still new to the area, and we still got lost a lot. I met a couple of her friends she had made, and loved the area. That city is still my favorite place I have ever visited in my life. It was beautiful, artistic and the scenery is gorgeous. I helped her with a photoshoot while I was down there (she does photography on the side from work and school) and we ate a lot of good food. It was so much fun. 

I met my boyfriend now, and moved from the county Sarah and I had grown up in. I moved to a city too and finished my first degree and worked in a couple bars. Sarah met a new boy, and she came back home for a weekend to visit and she told me about her new guy some. I finally got to meet him when my boyfriend and I went down to see them for a weekend ourselves, and it was awkward. So awkward. It was that first love kind of thing for them, just blissfully into themselves and that's all they know. My boyfriend and I, we love each other but we get that we have friends and other things going on in life that may not have to do with our relationship. Sarah was so into him and I hardly saw her even though we were staying with them. When we came back home, Sarah fell off the planet. She started posting more and more of her with her new man, she had new friends, and even posted pictures of her going home and seeing some friends but never told me she was around. I gave up. I wasn't an idiot. She left me behind as she got her new life. 

Everyone is engaged or pregnant. I mean everyone. I would say it's something in the water but I drink more water than anyone I know and I am nowhere near either of these things. Sarah was drinking whatever this shit is in because on Facebook, the ring showed up. She never told me, she never text me, messaged me, nothing. I found out like I found out everything about everyone (I found out I became an aunt from my older brother by seeing his daughter after she was born on facebook) is through that stupid site. 

Sarah posted her engagement pictures, the sickeningly sweet lovey dovey pics. I am happy she found love, that's great. But I am not one to advocate marriage at 22, especially when she and this guy hadn't known each other or even been dating even as long as my guy and I had been. My first love, the one I first moved in with and thought was 'the one' was not. Oh HELL NO. You need to live with the person, you need to be in real life situations like bills, money, stress and breathing down each other's necks before you move on to the 'forever' stage. But, that's my opinion. Which I am pretty sure she would know my opinion after we had complained that everytime we logged on the internet there were more and more engaged and pregnant friends from high school left and right. And now she was joining them.

I saw posts about her new BFF getting dresses with her, I have seen a post that she and her man have a wedding website but never shared the link, and I know the wedding is happening in 2014. That's it. That's all I know. No invites. No words about it. I am a no one. Look at my facebook, you'll see funny pictures, animals in funny ass outfits, posts about starting a new school for my next degree, and yoga/workout pictures. That's it. 

Hello! I'm still here! You remember me? I helped you come out of your shell! I was there when you first moved down there! I still burp loud and need someone to tell me I'm gross. My dog still misses you. I still have that dance game we played. And I still make a mean pasta dish. I still exist! Hello! Over here! No, here! HELLLOOOOOO!?

I vanish. Everyone forgets me. I am easily forgotten I suppose. I become that tiny memory in the back of your head, like a dream when you try to remember it after waking up. It's vibrant and strong at first, then fades into a fog as the day goes on. 

So, here I am. I take no shit. I don't even try anymore. I am making a few friends here and there at my new college but I think true friends, well, to put it plainly, is BULLSHIT. It's a term that sounds promising, but doesn't actually exist in the real world. 

If you think you have a true BFF. Don't hold your breath. If you are on death row and needing help, are they coming to your rescue? If it was down to it, you two were starving and you had only one portion of food left, would they share it with you or just keep it to themselves? Think about it real hard. And don't take your relationship too seriously. It'll vanish before you know it.